A lot has happened since I last posted to this blog. The year changed on the calendar, Christmas, my Dad died, and I fell off the wagon on my diet. I guess a lot things happen between postings when you only update your blog on a semi-annual basis. So like the title says I would like to apologize to all the people who checked daily for the last 2 months for a word from me.
2006
I don't have much to say about a new calendar year. I never planned to live this long. I am only 27 but somehow when I was growing up I couldn't imagine beyond the year 2000 (which of course, I pictured would have flying cars like the end of Back to the Future.) So now I feel like I am out in no-man's land in the middle of this decade. Will I live to see 2020? I don't know. Will Jesus come back soon? Well, we are certainly closer than we have ever been before to the end of the world (and tomorrow we will be even closer and the day after that...)
CHRISTMAS
This Christmas was the first year with our baby. Technically, Karen was pregnant with our daughter, Abigail, last Christmas but she was probably the size of a pear at the time and really only cared about hanging out in the womb. Now that she is 7 months old, Abigail is cuter than ever. Everybody fawned over her and bought her a truckload of presents. Abigail enjoyed playing with the paper and bows though and she also seemed to enjoy tipping a bowl of fruit.
MY DAD (Dec. 14, 1946--Dec. 14, 2005)
One of my worst fears came true. One morning the phone rang and I answered it. "Barry..." my mom said in a voice that I could hardly understand. "Yes?" I said urgently.
"Your dad... is dead."
"NO!" I cried in a voice that didn't sound like mine, "NO!" and I sobbed uncontrollable.
"I found him in bed... just now, " my Mom managed to say.
"Are you sure?" I asked, but I knew it was true if she was calling me. At that point my mom couldn't continue the conversation she was so broken up and she tried to hand the phone to my uncle (her brother) but he just hung up on me.
Sometime between 5 and 7 am on his 59th birthday my Dad, who had already gotten up and made some tea and turned off the alarm, laid back down and died.
Dad had had heart trouble 5 years ago and had a quadruple bypass and nearly died then. But then he made an amazing recovery and a year later his Dr. told him that the x-ray of his heart didn't even look like that same heart from a year before. The last 5 years have been worry free for him. So his passing away was a complete shock. I think it even surprised Dad who had a look of serenity on his face when my mom found him.
There is so much I could write about my Dad: that he was spontaneous, funny, fun, kind, humble, a good Samaritan--but most important of all, he was a Christian. He had a simple faith in Jesus Christ to save him from his sins and he let Jesus lead his life while he lived. The only thing that has given me comfort during this time is to know what the Bible says about death and it's antidote. And I know that my dad is alive and with Jesus now and one day I will join him.
DIET
With my father's death, I have once again realized that I should eat healthier so I can avoid things I am probably predisposed to like heart disease and diabetes. However, I pigged out on chocolate over Christmas which is something I had given up. Well, I guess the New Year is a good time to get back on a diet. Now where did I put that bag of chocolate? What? you're still here? I am going to give this bag away...
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Friday, November 04, 2005
Why I Lie
I've got to be honest--I've done a lot of lying in my life!
Even after years of being a Christian and a follower of the one who said "I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life." I find that many times I have more in common with the one who is called "The Father of lies". Sometimes I don't mean to lie. Like when I said a few days ago that I would start updating my blog more frequently. I really meant it, but did it happen? NooOOoo.
Why is it so easy to lie? I am sure there are many theological reasons about sin, the falliness of man, etc. that explain this but I can easily speculate why it is easy for ME to. I want to make a disclaimer though, that I am not proud of lying and in fact I am ashamed and want to change.
LAZINESS
First off, I have a problem of just telling people what they want to hear because it would take more work to confront them with the truth or something I perceive as a problem. In fact, I may not even be doing nothing more than just nodding in a conversation and keeping silent. But this often leads to problems because if I don't raise any objections when someone is talking then they may be led to believe that I am in agreement with them when I, in fact, am not. Then the next time they bring up the subject they start where they left off and assume I am in agreement. So how far do I let this go before I say something? Or do I just hedge my responses to be ambiguous? Sometimes I have just given in and lied.
FEAR
My laziness is also mixed with fear. What will the other person think of me if I disagree with them? What if I have to tell somebody something they don't want to hear (even if it is the right thing to do)? Sadly, I have let fear goad me into lying many times.
I remember when I was in 6th grade and as part of an English class, I was supposed to keep a daily journal. I didn't care for homework and I thought the journal was stupid so I didn't do it. My English teacher noticed that I had done poorly on the journal the first time around and mentioned something to my Mom who was also a teacher. So for the next semester, my Mom would frequently ask me if I was doing my journal for English class. I told her, "YES" but in reality I was not doing it at all. I justified telling her I was doing it because I PLANNED to do it, but I just hadn't done it yet. My plan was to stay up the night before it was due and write a bunch of entries using different pens, etc. and back-date it. However, the day came when it was due and I hadn't finished it, so I turned it in mostly incomplete. When my Mom found out that I hadn't done the journal she was incensed! In fact, there is not a word to describe how mad she was at me.
"What's the big deal?" I said to her, "I still have an A/B average in the class."
"Because you LIED to me!" she said. She could care less about the grade but she was hurt that she didn't know if she could trust me or anything I said anymore.
It was then that I began to realize the extent of hurt you can cause by lying and breaking someone's trust.
So why should you believe me now that I have told you this? Well, I use this blog as a tool to vent my honest thoughts and once they're public then I can be held accountable by my friends. So the next time you're talking with me you can ask me about my weight and how my diet is going or if you notice me nodding a lot and giving ambiguous responses you can say to me, "Tell me honestly what you really think, Barry."
Even after years of being a Christian and a follower of the one who said "I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life." I find that many times I have more in common with the one who is called "The Father of lies". Sometimes I don't mean to lie. Like when I said a few days ago that I would start updating my blog more frequently. I really meant it, but did it happen? NooOOoo.
Why is it so easy to lie? I am sure there are many theological reasons about sin, the falliness of man, etc. that explain this but I can easily speculate why it is easy for ME to. I want to make a disclaimer though, that I am not proud of lying and in fact I am ashamed and want to change.
LAZINESS
First off, I have a problem of just telling people what they want to hear because it would take more work to confront them with the truth or something I perceive as a problem. In fact, I may not even be doing nothing more than just nodding in a conversation and keeping silent. But this often leads to problems because if I don't raise any objections when someone is talking then they may be led to believe that I am in agreement with them when I, in fact, am not. Then the next time they bring up the subject they start where they left off and assume I am in agreement. So how far do I let this go before I say something? Or do I just hedge my responses to be ambiguous? Sometimes I have just given in and lied.
FEAR
My laziness is also mixed with fear. What will the other person think of me if I disagree with them? What if I have to tell somebody something they don't want to hear (even if it is the right thing to do)? Sadly, I have let fear goad me into lying many times.
I remember when I was in 6th grade and as part of an English class, I was supposed to keep a daily journal. I didn't care for homework and I thought the journal was stupid so I didn't do it. My English teacher noticed that I had done poorly on the journal the first time around and mentioned something to my Mom who was also a teacher. So for the next semester, my Mom would frequently ask me if I was doing my journal for English class. I told her, "YES" but in reality I was not doing it at all. I justified telling her I was doing it because I PLANNED to do it, but I just hadn't done it yet. My plan was to stay up the night before it was due and write a bunch of entries using different pens, etc. and back-date it. However, the day came when it was due and I hadn't finished it, so I turned it in mostly incomplete. When my Mom found out that I hadn't done the journal she was incensed! In fact, there is not a word to describe how mad she was at me.
"What's the big deal?" I said to her, "I still have an A/B average in the class."
"Because you LIED to me!" she said. She could care less about the grade but she was hurt that she didn't know if she could trust me or anything I said anymore.
It was then that I began to realize the extent of hurt you can cause by lying and breaking someone's trust.
So why should you believe me now that I have told you this? Well, I use this blog as a tool to vent my honest thoughts and once they're public then I can be held accountable by my friends. So the next time you're talking with me you can ask me about my weight and how my diet is going or if you notice me nodding a lot and giving ambiguous responses you can say to me, "Tell me honestly what you really think, Barry."
Monday, October 31, 2005
Weight Update
Those of you who faithfully read every entry of this blog until I dropped off the face of the earth and stopped posting will remember that I mentioned that I was going on a diet and I predicted I would lose 5-7 lbs. by Halloween. Well today is October 31st and when I stepped on the scale this morning I weighed 156 lb.--the exact same amount as a month ago when I started my diet. That's ok, though, I am glad that I didn't GAIN any weight. Besides my diet was pretty minimal anyway. I simply cut out drinking soft drinks since they are basically liquid sugar and I don't want to wake up one day in a diabetic coma (or maybe I wouldn't wake up).
I can't tell you how difficult even this is. I love the delicious refreshing taste of a Dr. Pepper or Coke followed by another one. And then later another one. And then later I wonder why they make the cans so small. So you see why it was a good idea to cut-back/eliminate it from my diet.
So how did I do this month? Well, I mentioned that my weight stayed the same. I did drink a few soft drinks like Diet caffeine-free Coke, and Diet A&W Rootbeer but these taste so crappy (I don't like Diet) it wasn't really worth it. The only exercise I did was 25 push-ups to impress my wife.
So my goals for this month are to continue to not drink ANY soft drinks, to avoid caffeine, and additionally not have ANY chocolate--starting tomorrow. Today, after all, is Halloween and I plan to gorge myself on mounds of chocolate.
You may ask why I would want to avoid caffeine. The explanation of this gets kind of personal but, what the heck, that's what blogs are for. Caffeine is bad for my digestion. I have a really sensitive stomach and time and time again I have discovered that caffeine will give me really horrible stomach aches the following day after gorging on sodas. Of course, you would think that I would have given up drinking sodas a long time ago but that's not the case. I have had this monkey on my back for as long as I can remember. People who smoke know that it is bad for them but that's not enough to make them stop, usually.
With God's help, I going to start eating healthier, and taking better care of my body because it's the right thing to do. That reminds me of a joke. I'll share it and sign off for the day. Don't be a stranger, now. I'll start posting again so come back and see me.
JOKE
Dave got down on his knees one day and prayed to God. "God," said Dave, "Please let me win the lottery!"
Well, they drew the numbers for the lottery that week and Dave didn't win and he got pretty mad. He hopped down on his knees and said, "God, I'm begging you! Please let me win the lottery. I won't ask for anything else."
Again, they drew the numbers and Dave didn't win that week.
This time when Dave prayed he said, "God, I am mad at you. Why won't you let me win the lottery?"
Then God replied and said, "Dave, meet me halfway--buy a lottery ticket!"
I can't tell you how difficult even this is. I love the delicious refreshing taste of a Dr. Pepper or Coke followed by another one. And then later another one. And then later I wonder why they make the cans so small. So you see why it was a good idea to cut-back/eliminate it from my diet.
So how did I do this month? Well, I mentioned that my weight stayed the same. I did drink a few soft drinks like Diet caffeine-free Coke, and Diet A&W Rootbeer but these taste so crappy (I don't like Diet) it wasn't really worth it. The only exercise I did was 25 push-ups to impress my wife.
So my goals for this month are to continue to not drink ANY soft drinks, to avoid caffeine, and additionally not have ANY chocolate--starting tomorrow. Today, after all, is Halloween and I plan to gorge myself on mounds of chocolate.
You may ask why I would want to avoid caffeine. The explanation of this gets kind of personal but, what the heck, that's what blogs are for. Caffeine is bad for my digestion. I have a really sensitive stomach and time and time again I have discovered that caffeine will give me really horrible stomach aches the following day after gorging on sodas. Of course, you would think that I would have given up drinking sodas a long time ago but that's not the case. I have had this monkey on my back for as long as I can remember. People who smoke know that it is bad for them but that's not enough to make them stop, usually.
With God's help, I going to start eating healthier, and taking better care of my body because it's the right thing to do. That reminds me of a joke. I'll share it and sign off for the day. Don't be a stranger, now. I'll start posting again so come back and see me.
JOKE
Dave got down on his knees one day and prayed to God. "God," said Dave, "Please let me win the lottery!"
Well, they drew the numbers for the lottery that week and Dave didn't win and he got pretty mad. He hopped down on his knees and said, "God, I'm begging you! Please let me win the lottery. I won't ask for anything else."
Again, they drew the numbers and Dave didn't win that week.
This time when Dave prayed he said, "God, I am mad at you. Why won't you let me win the lottery?"
Then God replied and said, "Dave, meet me halfway--buy a lottery ticket!"
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Fairy Tale
I just finished reading a book called "God of the Fairy Tale" by Jim Ware. I really enjoyed it because it would tell well-known fairy tales in a delightful way and then use them to point to some truth about life. As I was drifting to sleep last night I made up my own. I guess this is only appropriate since my first and middle name rhyme with fairy tale (Barry Dale). Anyways, for your bedtime enjoyment here is the story of...
JACK, THE GIANT, AND THE DRAGON
Once there lived in a small hut, in a small village, a small boy named Jack. He was very skinny and did not eat much. Jack loved to eat tasty morsels like any other boy but there was nothing to eat except a few small potatoes from a meager garden by the hut. At dinner his step-father would eat most of the potatoes and even the bread. Then Step-father would leave the rest on his plate for Jack's mother. "Here," he said rudely, "I am finished with this tasteless slop". Jack's mother would take the scraps and try to secretly hand them to Jack.
"No, Mother!" said Jack. "You must eat."
"Nonsense," said Mother. "I ate yesterday. And besides you are growing. You need to eat to grow tall like your father."
Ah, Father. Father had been dead for two winters but Jack still remembered his smiling face and tickly beard. Father was a tall, skinny woodcutter who worked long days to make sure Jack and his mother had wood to keep the fire going during the cold winter. Father sold extra wood to feed the family and there was always plenty to eat. Then one night as Father was cutting, a tall tree fell on him and pressed him against the ground. Father was then attacked by wolves and he never came home.
Jack remembered seeing his mother cry and saying "With your father gone I do not know what we will eat." But then Thomas came to the door and said to Mother "I need a wife to cook and clean. I have a hut and food, but only enough food for you and me, not that little runt!" he said scowling at Jack. Then Mother told Jack they would have a new home and she would share food with him. Jack was scared of Thomas and only said, "Yes, Step-father." when Thomas addressed him.
"What are you whispering about?" thundered Step-father. "Runt, leave your mother's food alone and go to bed!"
"Yes, Step-father." said Jack. As Jack walked toward his bed Step-father slapped him on the back of the head. "If you do not go to sleep soon I will knock you out myself!"
Little Jack cried quietly and fell asleep.
The next morning when Jack awoke there were loud booming sounds outside and people talking excitedly. Jack rubbed his eyes and looked around. "What is happening, Mother?" Jack said.
"Do not go outside, Jack, it is too dangerous!" said Mother. "Your step-father has gone to grab food from burning houses."
"Burning houses!" cried Jack and he jumped up and ran outside. Then Jack saw a giant--a large, huge man who was taller than any of the village huts. The giant had dark eyes and blood running from the corner of his mouth.
Jack could not believe his eyes for he also saw a dragon. A huge green, dragon with a long curved neck and fire coming out of his mouth. The giant punched the dragon with his big hand and the dragon bit the giant's arm.
The giant yelled, "Go away dragon! This is MY village. I am going to eat these people."
The dragon hissed back, "Stupid giant, I will eat these people and then eat YOU!"
Jack had heard about the giant and the dragon before from travelers who came to town. The giant would go from village to village scooping up people and eating them. The dragon also roamed the countryside killing people with his fire and eating their hearts out. Both of them would turn the earth brown and kill crops with their evil magic. Now both of them had come to Jack's village and were fighting.
All the villagers watched as the dragon and the giant fought. "Oh well," said Sam the Butcher "they will kill each other." Then Sam walked back to his hut. "Perhaps we should go to another village." said a farmer calmly. "I will pretend I did not see this." said John the Baker.
"Wait," cried little Jack, "someone must stop the giant and dragon!" But no one listened. All the people muttered to themselves and walked off. Glenda the old maid grabbed Jack by the wrist and said, "If you have any sense you will go hide yourself or they will find you. If you do not you will die. The taylor's family has already been burned alive in their hut."
Jack rubbed his wrist and walked toward the giant and dragon who were still fighting. He walked past the blackened, smoking taylor's hut. He saw a burned body on the ground outside the hut. It was Step-father. He had a large hole in his chest where the dragon had eaten his heart.
Jack shuddered and almost burst into tears. "Someone must stop the giant and dragon!" he thought. Jack pictured his mother frightened inside their hut waiting to be burned and eaten. Jack pictured his father pinned helplessly beneath a tree and being attacked by wolves.
Jack ran toward the giant and dragon. He got so close he could feel the wind from the giants' punches and feel the heat from the dragon's fire.
Jack squeaked with all his might, "Go AWAY you wicked beasts! LEAVE!"
Jack trembled as the giant and dragon turned to look at him and Jack braced himself to be eaten.
"ANT!" thundered the giant "I will crush you."
"How DARE you speak to me, boy!" hissed the dragon "I will turn you to ashes."
Jack sobbed and fell to his knees.
Suddenly, the elf-king on his large white stallion appeared. His crown was shining gold, his beard was the darkest red and he carried a lance so long and straight it looked like the trunk of the tallest tree. Without a word, the elf-king charged his horse at the dragon with blinding speed. The magical lance sunk deep into the body of the dragon burning away all flesh it touched and turning the tough hide to smoke. The dragon wriggled and collasped into burning ash.
Then giant seeing that the dragon was dead smiled with a wicked grin and swung his huge fist at the elf-king. From his hip the elf-king drew a sword that shone like the sun and in a flash cut the giant's fist off in mid-swing.
The giant howled in pain and raised his bloody arm which now had no hand. "I have killed a thousand lesser men than you, Elf, and you will die too!" cried the giant.
Then the giant lept at the elf-king with all his weight and with a loud crack landed belly first on the ground trying to crush the elf-king with his giant form. But the elf king atop his stallion was quicker than the wind and was not under the giant when he landed. Instead, the elf-king appeared by the giant's head.
Leaping from the saddle the elf-king again struck with the brilliant sword like a woodcutter splitting wood. The giant's enormous head rolled off like the wheel of a cart and rested near Jack who stared into the whites of the giants rolled-back eyes.
Jack dared not rise from his knees in the prescense of one so great as the elf-king but suddenly the elf-king stood in front of him and raised his tiny chin with his strong hand. "Jack, you may be small, but you spoke the truth. Well done."
Then the elf-king smiled and leaped upon his stallion. As he rode, the ground beneath the horses hooves turned lush green.
Jack ran home to his hut. He could not believe his eyes. Their meager garden was now a beautiful orchard with full fruit trees. In fact, everywhere Jack looked, there was beautiful flowers and greenery. The land was healed. The door opened and Jack's mother ran to him and kissed him and hugged him.
"Oh, Jack," she said while crying with joy, "you are alive."
"I AM alive, Mother." said Jack. "And we will never have to worry about food again."
THE END
copyright © Barry Bishop 2005
JACK, THE GIANT, AND THE DRAGON
Once there lived in a small hut, in a small village, a small boy named Jack. He was very skinny and did not eat much. Jack loved to eat tasty morsels like any other boy but there was nothing to eat except a few small potatoes from a meager garden by the hut. At dinner his step-father would eat most of the potatoes and even the bread. Then Step-father would leave the rest on his plate for Jack's mother. "Here," he said rudely, "I am finished with this tasteless slop". Jack's mother would take the scraps and try to secretly hand them to Jack.
"No, Mother!" said Jack. "You must eat."
"Nonsense," said Mother. "I ate yesterday. And besides you are growing. You need to eat to grow tall like your father."
Ah, Father. Father had been dead for two winters but Jack still remembered his smiling face and tickly beard. Father was a tall, skinny woodcutter who worked long days to make sure Jack and his mother had wood to keep the fire going during the cold winter. Father sold extra wood to feed the family and there was always plenty to eat. Then one night as Father was cutting, a tall tree fell on him and pressed him against the ground. Father was then attacked by wolves and he never came home.
Jack remembered seeing his mother cry and saying "With your father gone I do not know what we will eat." But then Thomas came to the door and said to Mother "I need a wife to cook and clean. I have a hut and food, but only enough food for you and me, not that little runt!" he said scowling at Jack. Then Mother told Jack they would have a new home and she would share food with him. Jack was scared of Thomas and only said, "Yes, Step-father." when Thomas addressed him.
"What are you whispering about?" thundered Step-father. "Runt, leave your mother's food alone and go to bed!"
"Yes, Step-father." said Jack. As Jack walked toward his bed Step-father slapped him on the back of the head. "If you do not go to sleep soon I will knock you out myself!"
Little Jack cried quietly and fell asleep.
The next morning when Jack awoke there were loud booming sounds outside and people talking excitedly. Jack rubbed his eyes and looked around. "What is happening, Mother?" Jack said.
"Do not go outside, Jack, it is too dangerous!" said Mother. "Your step-father has gone to grab food from burning houses."
"Burning houses!" cried Jack and he jumped up and ran outside. Then Jack saw a giant--a large, huge man who was taller than any of the village huts. The giant had dark eyes and blood running from the corner of his mouth.
Jack could not believe his eyes for he also saw a dragon. A huge green, dragon with a long curved neck and fire coming out of his mouth. The giant punched the dragon with his big hand and the dragon bit the giant's arm.
The giant yelled, "Go away dragon! This is MY village. I am going to eat these people."
The dragon hissed back, "Stupid giant, I will eat these people and then eat YOU!"
Jack had heard about the giant and the dragon before from travelers who came to town. The giant would go from village to village scooping up people and eating them. The dragon also roamed the countryside killing people with his fire and eating their hearts out. Both of them would turn the earth brown and kill crops with their evil magic. Now both of them had come to Jack's village and were fighting.
All the villagers watched as the dragon and the giant fought. "Oh well," said Sam the Butcher "they will kill each other." Then Sam walked back to his hut. "Perhaps we should go to another village." said a farmer calmly. "I will pretend I did not see this." said John the Baker.
"Wait," cried little Jack, "someone must stop the giant and dragon!" But no one listened. All the people muttered to themselves and walked off. Glenda the old maid grabbed Jack by the wrist and said, "If you have any sense you will go hide yourself or they will find you. If you do not you will die. The taylor's family has already been burned alive in their hut."
Jack rubbed his wrist and walked toward the giant and dragon who were still fighting. He walked past the blackened, smoking taylor's hut. He saw a burned body on the ground outside the hut. It was Step-father. He had a large hole in his chest where the dragon had eaten his heart.
Jack shuddered and almost burst into tears. "Someone must stop the giant and dragon!" he thought. Jack pictured his mother frightened inside their hut waiting to be burned and eaten. Jack pictured his father pinned helplessly beneath a tree and being attacked by wolves.
Jack ran toward the giant and dragon. He got so close he could feel the wind from the giants' punches and feel the heat from the dragon's fire.
Jack squeaked with all his might, "Go AWAY you wicked beasts! LEAVE!"
Jack trembled as the giant and dragon turned to look at him and Jack braced himself to be eaten.
"ANT!" thundered the giant "I will crush you."
"How DARE you speak to me, boy!" hissed the dragon "I will turn you to ashes."
Jack sobbed and fell to his knees.
Suddenly, the elf-king on his large white stallion appeared. His crown was shining gold, his beard was the darkest red and he carried a lance so long and straight it looked like the trunk of the tallest tree. Without a word, the elf-king charged his horse at the dragon with blinding speed. The magical lance sunk deep into the body of the dragon burning away all flesh it touched and turning the tough hide to smoke. The dragon wriggled and collasped into burning ash.
Then giant seeing that the dragon was dead smiled with a wicked grin and swung his huge fist at the elf-king. From his hip the elf-king drew a sword that shone like the sun and in a flash cut the giant's fist off in mid-swing.
The giant howled in pain and raised his bloody arm which now had no hand. "I have killed a thousand lesser men than you, Elf, and you will die too!" cried the giant.
Then the giant lept at the elf-king with all his weight and with a loud crack landed belly first on the ground trying to crush the elf-king with his giant form. But the elf king atop his stallion was quicker than the wind and was not under the giant when he landed. Instead, the elf-king appeared by the giant's head.
Leaping from the saddle the elf-king again struck with the brilliant sword like a woodcutter splitting wood. The giant's enormous head rolled off like the wheel of a cart and rested near Jack who stared into the whites of the giants rolled-back eyes.
Jack dared not rise from his knees in the prescense of one so great as the elf-king but suddenly the elf-king stood in front of him and raised his tiny chin with his strong hand. "Jack, you may be small, but you spoke the truth. Well done."
Then the elf-king smiled and leaped upon his stallion. As he rode, the ground beneath the horses hooves turned lush green.
Jack ran home to his hut. He could not believe his eyes. Their meager garden was now a beautiful orchard with full fruit trees. In fact, everywhere Jack looked, there was beautiful flowers and greenery. The land was healed. The door opened and Jack's mother ran to him and kissed him and hugged him.
"Oh, Jack," she said while crying with joy, "you are alive."
"I AM alive, Mother." said Jack. "And we will never have to worry about food again."
THE END
copyright © Barry Bishop 2005
Sunday, October 02, 2005
My weight
So I mentioned before that I was 130 lbs in highschool. Even though I am only 5'7" that was still pretty slim. Since then the years have been good to me and now I find that my pants are getting tighter and tighter. For instance, I used to wear jeans that were 29" in the waist but now I'm up to 32"--a snug 32".
Part of the problem is that I love to eat and by "eat" I mean junk food. You ought to see my trash can at work. It's pretty embarrassing how the bags of chips and cans of coke and such piles up in it so fast. To be honest though, I have always eaten a lot of junk food. My age [and inactivity] are catching up on me, though. For years, I have lived in ignorance by avoiding scales. Three days ago I bought a scale hoping to change my gluttonous ways.
So to see what the damage was I stepped on the scale first thing in the morning while I was in my underwear. 156 lbs.
Hey, not bad! Especially since I had weighed the day before and it said 166. Believe it or not, my boots, wallet, jeans, car keys, cell phone, pocket knife, space pen, and shirt weigh about 10 pounds. This is a really great way to start a diet--lose 10 pounds by disrobing. I have a feeling that the rest of the pounds won't come off as easy.
So what is my diet? Well, I don't want to push myself too hard so I am cutting out all sodas from my diet and trying to eat a little less junk and if I feel like it do a few push ups and situps. That's it. My goal is that by Halloween I will have lost 5-7 lbs by simply doing this.
So far the progress has been the wrong way. The second day I weighed I was 158. This was probably due to the fact that I hit a Chinese buffet the night before and ate about a million California rolls.
I am confident that I can lose weight over the long haul if I just follow this diet for the rest of my life. The hardest part is giving up sodas. I really love sodas! Even typing this makes me wish I had a cold Dr. Pepper to sting my throat or a Coke to eat the lining of my stomach. I know I'm a sick puppy--that's why I'm trying to change.
Honestly, if I had drank beer like I do sodas I would be considered an out-of-control alcoholic.
Alright, I'll update you on my weight from time to time and you can guess at how much I'll lose or gain. Or if I'll fall off the wagon.
Part of the problem is that I love to eat and by "eat" I mean junk food. You ought to see my trash can at work. It's pretty embarrassing how the bags of chips and cans of coke and such piles up in it so fast. To be honest though, I have always eaten a lot of junk food. My age [and inactivity] are catching up on me, though. For years, I have lived in ignorance by avoiding scales. Three days ago I bought a scale hoping to change my gluttonous ways.
So to see what the damage was I stepped on the scale first thing in the morning while I was in my underwear. 156 lbs.
Hey, not bad! Especially since I had weighed the day before and it said 166. Believe it or not, my boots, wallet, jeans, car keys, cell phone, pocket knife, space pen, and shirt weigh about 10 pounds. This is a really great way to start a diet--lose 10 pounds by disrobing. I have a feeling that the rest of the pounds won't come off as easy.
So what is my diet? Well, I don't want to push myself too hard so I am cutting out all sodas from my diet and trying to eat a little less junk and if I feel like it do a few push ups and situps. That's it. My goal is that by Halloween I will have lost 5-7 lbs by simply doing this.
So far the progress has been the wrong way. The second day I weighed I was 158. This was probably due to the fact that I hit a Chinese buffet the night before and ate about a million California rolls.
I am confident that I can lose weight over the long haul if I just follow this diet for the rest of my life. The hardest part is giving up sodas. I really love sodas! Even typing this makes me wish I had a cold Dr. Pepper to sting my throat or a Coke to eat the lining of my stomach. I know I'm a sick puppy--that's why I'm trying to change.
Honestly, if I had drank beer like I do sodas I would be considered an out-of-control alcoholic.
Alright, I'll update you on my weight from time to time and you can guess at how much I'll lose or gain. Or if I'll fall off the wagon.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Freshman Follies
As a mentioned before, when I came to college in the summer of '97 I was pretty naive. Austin seemed so BIG to me (pop. 700,000). Everything there was different. Driving and parking was a nightmare. In my hometown (pop. 10,000) you could drive anywhere within 5 minutes. If you drove longer than 5 minutes then you were outside the town. In Austin, you would spend 15 minutes alone driving in a circle looking for parking. Sometimes, I would be on UT campus and someone would drive me to some part and we would circle looking for parking and then finding none we would have to go back to the dorm, park there and then walk to where we were trying to go, only now we were late.
However, my freshman year, I tried not to drive as much as possible since I was terrified of it. I had so much anxiety about driving that I simply would not go some place if I had to drive. People tail-gate in Austin and run red lights like it's nobody's business and each road has 2 or 3 different names so every time I drove I was not only freaked-out but lost.
But driving was the least of my problems. I arrived in August and by September my highschool sweetheart of 2 years broke up with me. This was a good thing since our relationship was really shallow, but at the time I thought it was the end of the world. I responded by immediately trying to get another girlfriend. I did this because I now realize that I was trying to get my self-worth by dating girls or feeling like I am really somebody if an attractive girl likes me. The unlucky victim was a girl who sat by me in one of my classes. Her name was Melissa.
In short, I spent the next year walking her to class, giving her poems and flowers and basically being a pathetic loser waiting by the phone. I think she was flattered but I could always sense a kind of anxiousness she had when I talked to her which I now think was her trying to find a way to lose me somehow as nicely as possible. But I was so infatiuted! I thought that if I could somehow win her heart then I would be happy. I overlooked the fact that we didn't have a lot in common, and I didn't really know her, oh yeah, and she didn't like me.
One time when I was talking to my Mom I mentioned that there was this girl that I really digged and her name was Melissa. My mom was very excited that I was meeting girls at college (since she wanted me to marry and give her grandkids) but then she started asking me questions.
"Is she a Christian?" she asked.
"Uh no, she's Muslim." I said. "Her family is from Egypt."
"What! Oh, Barry, can't you find a good Baptist girl? I am sure that UT has a Baptist Student Union there where you can meet a nice Christian girl."
"Mom, we talk about God."
"Oh Barry, they believe in Allah, and besides her family would probably kill her if they found out she was dating a Christian."
"Well, we're not dating yet..."
"Just go on down to the BSU and I'm sure there's a [I tuned out at this point]."
In addition to pursuing this girl I also grew out my hair and joined a Christian cult. The two are not related, I just decided to grow out my hair. The only requirement to join the cult was to be gullible enough to accept an invitation to a Bible Study by some really zealous people on campus. Of course I wouldn't have joined had I known it was a cult. I thought it was legit. But first, the...
HAIR
One morning I looked in the mirror and I was disappointed. I always had an image in my mind of what I would look like when I was 18 and in college. I expected myself to look older, cooler. But what I saw was that I looked exactly the same as I had in 6th grade. So I grew out my hair and some side-burns. I went for the Beatles look.
This worried my parents who thought I had started doing drugs. I would say something about a Beatles' song I liked and my mom would say, "You know they did a lot of drugs..." and then she would just trail off in a serious tone. My dad would say, "When are you gonna get a haircut?" I could tell he was seriously irked because he had been in the military and had since then kept his hair short with trips to the barbershop every 2 weeks. When I came home for Christmas the first thing my mom said as she greeted me was, "Get a haircut, Santa Claus." I still don't know what this means, but I swear she said it. Then there's the...
CULT
I had attended a college orientation for a week in the summer before I started classes in the fall. While I was on campus, a person who was handing out flyers jumped in front of me as I was walking and handed me a card. It said "Christians On Campus" and had a spot on it to fill in your information if you were interested in a Bible study. I thought, "I'm a Christian, I'm on campus, why not?" So I filled it out and dropped it in the mail and promptly forgot about it. On the day that I moved into the dorm, as soon as I plugged in my telephone it rang. "Hello?" I said, thinking that the phone was broken. "Hi, this is Neil with Christians on Campus, we're having a Bible study downstairs if you want to come." And that's how I joined.
When you first join a cult they "love bomb" you, telling you how great you are and what not. I didn't mind this at all. Also, cults tend to isolate you and monopolize your time. Christians on Campus met everyday and for long hours. Once, when I went to a meeting I was there for 2 and half pretty boring hours. We were meeting in an empty classroom and the bell rang to show that classes are changing. I had an afternoon class I had to go to so I got up and tried to quietly leave. The guy who was speaking stopped and turned to me and said, "Hey brother, where are you going?"
"I've got CLASS, I've got to get to." I said it this way because I had kept thinking, "when is this thing gonna end?".
"Oh are you sure you can't stay?" he said, with 40 other people looking at me. "No, I have to go to class now." I was, after all, a college student unlike some of the 30- to 40-year- olds I saw in the meetings. I later found out that this group was part of the Boston Church, (aka International Church of Christ) who believe there is only one true church per city, which of course would be theirs. Because of this, everybody in that local church had to attend meetings, college student or not. They also have a misreading of Matthew 28:19-20 where they believe you must make disciples first before you can be baptized yourself and thereby saved. All I knew at the time was I got some weird vibes.
PUNCHLINE
My freshman year was a very difficult time with lots of soul-searching. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because a lot of important questions came out of it.
* Would I let fear [of driving] rule my life?
* Did I need someone [Melissa] to make me valuable?
* Did I care too much what people thought of how I looked [hair]?
* Did I really know what I believed [cult]?
In case your wondering, I did learn to drive fearlessly, Melissa lost me over the summer, I cut my hair eventually, and I left the cult after a couple of months and one shakedown from the leader. Since I was shaped by these things I will probably talk about them in more detail later. Or just drop me a comment if you are interested in a certain part and I will talk more about it.
However, my freshman year, I tried not to drive as much as possible since I was terrified of it. I had so much anxiety about driving that I simply would not go some place if I had to drive. People tail-gate in Austin and run red lights like it's nobody's business and each road has 2 or 3 different names so every time I drove I was not only freaked-out but lost.
But driving was the least of my problems. I arrived in August and by September my highschool sweetheart of 2 years broke up with me. This was a good thing since our relationship was really shallow, but at the time I thought it was the end of the world. I responded by immediately trying to get another girlfriend. I did this because I now realize that I was trying to get my self-worth by dating girls or feeling like I am really somebody if an attractive girl likes me. The unlucky victim was a girl who sat by me in one of my classes. Her name was Melissa.
In short, I spent the next year walking her to class, giving her poems and flowers and basically being a pathetic loser waiting by the phone. I think she was flattered but I could always sense a kind of anxiousness she had when I talked to her which I now think was her trying to find a way to lose me somehow as nicely as possible. But I was so infatiuted! I thought that if I could somehow win her heart then I would be happy. I overlooked the fact that we didn't have a lot in common, and I didn't really know her, oh yeah, and she didn't like me.
One time when I was talking to my Mom I mentioned that there was this girl that I really digged and her name was Melissa. My mom was very excited that I was meeting girls at college (since she wanted me to marry and give her grandkids) but then she started asking me questions.
"Is she a Christian?" she asked.
"Uh no, she's Muslim." I said. "Her family is from Egypt."
"What! Oh, Barry, can't you find a good Baptist girl? I am sure that UT has a Baptist Student Union there where you can meet a nice Christian girl."
"Mom, we talk about God."
"Oh Barry, they believe in Allah, and besides her family would probably kill her if they found out she was dating a Christian."
"Well, we're not dating yet..."
"Just go on down to the BSU and I'm sure there's a [I tuned out at this point]."
In addition to pursuing this girl I also grew out my hair and joined a Christian cult. The two are not related, I just decided to grow out my hair. The only requirement to join the cult was to be gullible enough to accept an invitation to a Bible Study by some really zealous people on campus. Of course I wouldn't have joined had I known it was a cult. I thought it was legit. But first, the...
HAIR
One morning I looked in the mirror and I was disappointed. I always had an image in my mind of what I would look like when I was 18 and in college. I expected myself to look older, cooler. But what I saw was that I looked exactly the same as I had in 6th grade. So I grew out my hair and some side-burns. I went for the Beatles look.
This worried my parents who thought I had started doing drugs. I would say something about a Beatles' song I liked and my mom would say, "You know they did a lot of drugs..." and then she would just trail off in a serious tone. My dad would say, "When are you gonna get a haircut?" I could tell he was seriously irked because he had been in the military and had since then kept his hair short with trips to the barbershop every 2 weeks. When I came home for Christmas the first thing my mom said as she greeted me was, "Get a haircut, Santa Claus." I still don't know what this means, but I swear she said it. Then there's the...
CULT
I had attended a college orientation for a week in the summer before I started classes in the fall. While I was on campus, a person who was handing out flyers jumped in front of me as I was walking and handed me a card. It said "Christians On Campus" and had a spot on it to fill in your information if you were interested in a Bible study. I thought, "I'm a Christian, I'm on campus, why not?" So I filled it out and dropped it in the mail and promptly forgot about it. On the day that I moved into the dorm, as soon as I plugged in my telephone it rang. "Hello?" I said, thinking that the phone was broken. "Hi, this is Neil with Christians on Campus, we're having a Bible study downstairs if you want to come." And that's how I joined.
When you first join a cult they "love bomb" you, telling you how great you are and what not. I didn't mind this at all. Also, cults tend to isolate you and monopolize your time. Christians on Campus met everyday and for long hours. Once, when I went to a meeting I was there for 2 and half pretty boring hours. We were meeting in an empty classroom and the bell rang to show that classes are changing. I had an afternoon class I had to go to so I got up and tried to quietly leave. The guy who was speaking stopped and turned to me and said, "Hey brother, where are you going?"
"I've got CLASS, I've got to get to." I said it this way because I had kept thinking, "when is this thing gonna end?".
"Oh are you sure you can't stay?" he said, with 40 other people looking at me. "No, I have to go to class now." I was, after all, a college student unlike some of the 30- to 40-year- olds I saw in the meetings. I later found out that this group was part of the Boston Church, (aka International Church of Christ) who believe there is only one true church per city, which of course would be theirs. Because of this, everybody in that local church had to attend meetings, college student or not. They also have a misreading of Matthew 28:19-20 where they believe you must make disciples first before you can be baptized yourself and thereby saved. All I knew at the time was I got some weird vibes.
PUNCHLINE
My freshman year was a very difficult time with lots of soul-searching. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because a lot of important questions came out of it.
* Would I let fear [of driving] rule my life?
* Did I need someone [Melissa] to make me valuable?
* Did I care too much what people thought of how I looked [hair]?
* Did I really know what I believed [cult]?
In case your wondering, I did learn to drive fearlessly, Melissa lost me over the summer, I cut my hair eventually, and I left the cult after a couple of months and one shakedown from the leader. Since I was shaped by these things I will probably talk about them in more detail later. Or just drop me a comment if you are interested in a certain part and I will talk more about it.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Football Season
Fall always reminds me of my days of playing football in school. When the first waft of cool air blows in the Fall it's like there's magic in the air. We have really long summers here in Central Texas. I mean, days of 100 degrees can happen anywhere from late April till September. Just yesterday it hit 100 degrees in Austin. After months of 90 and 100 degree days when you have a day where a cool wind blows in and it is 78 degrees it makes you feel giddy. Usually, the change in the weather here happens gradually. A cool day here or there and then a return to unbearable heat. Then right around Halloween a cold front blows through that drops the temperature to 30 or 40 degrees and finally it's Fall and the vicious Summer is dead.
We would start training for football during the heat of August. With helmets, pads, and jerseys on and intensive running we felt like just laying down and succumbing to the heat. I swear that buzzards were circling us as we practiced, just waiting for one of us to stumble and not get up.
But then on some magical day in Sept. or Oct. we would have a game to play and a cool wind blew into town. Us football players would be so excited we would start smacking our helmets together and yelling at each other, "It's FOOTBALL weather, baby! Yeah! Let's go kick some tail!"
From 7th grade through 12th grade I was a strapping lad of 5'7" and 130 lb. What this meant was in 7th grade I was one of the biggest guys on the team. In 12th grade I was the smallest. My senior year our coach had a clipboard and was asking everybodys' weight to put on the roster for the official program. Most of the guys were 200 lb. When I said I was 130 the coach said, "That's embarrassing! We're not gonna put that on the roster. Other teams will think we're small. I'll put you down for 145 lb."
Despite my small size I played fullback on offense. For those of you who don't know anything about football, the fullback is usually a really big guy you hand the ball to who runs straight up the middle through both teams to advance the ball 2 yards on a critical play. However, most of the time the fullback is mowing down people and clearing a path for the real running back who has the ball and is right behind him. Either way, you take a big pounding.
So in Jr. High I played fullback because I was big and fast compared to my peers. In High School I was the third-string fullback behind 2 bigger and beefier guys. But year after year when the season started the other 2 guys who would start in front of me couldn't play for some reason or another. One broke a bone, another couldn't pass a drug test, another failed some classes and so on. Suddenly, I was the starting fullback again.
It was like the story of the little Engine Who Could. Seconds before the ball was snapped I would be looking at the Behemoth on the other team that I would have to block and be saying in my head, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
Then the ball was snapped and I would run as hard as I could at him and dive at his knees with my shoulder leading and go into a full log roll.
No one ever expects you to roll. This move if executed properly will fell the largest of giants and I can't tell you how satisfying it is. However, if you don't time it right you just ending up rolling on the ground and looking like an idiot while the giant lumbers past you and smashes into your team mate who has the ball. Then your team mate gets up and gives you a look like, "Way to go, Jerk." or if he's in serious pain, "How could you?" And you hear the hometeam crowd turn violent.
Honestly, playing football was difficult and painful--in my short career I had 2 concussions, stitches 4 times, blood poisoning, knee surgery, tendonitus, jammed vertebrae, and countless cuts and bruises--but it taught me some important things about life. I learned to push myself physically. I learned to be a part of a team--something bigger than myself. I learned to enjoy winning as well as accept that failures happen in life. And I had fun!
My wife has mentioned that if we have a son she doesn't want him to play football. I always agree with her that it is a dangerous sport. But I am secretly hoping that a son of mine will want to play football, so he can push himself and be tough like his dad. More than that I want him to know the joy that I had. Maybe I'll just have to switch his rattle with a toy football.
We would start training for football during the heat of August. With helmets, pads, and jerseys on and intensive running we felt like just laying down and succumbing to the heat. I swear that buzzards were circling us as we practiced, just waiting for one of us to stumble and not get up.
But then on some magical day in Sept. or Oct. we would have a game to play and a cool wind blew into town. Us football players would be so excited we would start smacking our helmets together and yelling at each other, "It's FOOTBALL weather, baby! Yeah! Let's go kick some tail!"
From 7th grade through 12th grade I was a strapping lad of 5'7" and 130 lb. What this meant was in 7th grade I was one of the biggest guys on the team. In 12th grade I was the smallest. My senior year our coach had a clipboard and was asking everybodys' weight to put on the roster for the official program. Most of the guys were 200 lb. When I said I was 130 the coach said, "That's embarrassing! We're not gonna put that on the roster. Other teams will think we're small. I'll put you down for 145 lb."
Despite my small size I played fullback on offense. For those of you who don't know anything about football, the fullback is usually a really big guy you hand the ball to who runs straight up the middle through both teams to advance the ball 2 yards on a critical play. However, most of the time the fullback is mowing down people and clearing a path for the real running back who has the ball and is right behind him. Either way, you take a big pounding.
So in Jr. High I played fullback because I was big and fast compared to my peers. In High School I was the third-string fullback behind 2 bigger and beefier guys. But year after year when the season started the other 2 guys who would start in front of me couldn't play for some reason or another. One broke a bone, another couldn't pass a drug test, another failed some classes and so on. Suddenly, I was the starting fullback again.
It was like the story of the little Engine Who Could. Seconds before the ball was snapped I would be looking at the Behemoth on the other team that I would have to block and be saying in my head, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..."
Then the ball was snapped and I would run as hard as I could at him and dive at his knees with my shoulder leading and go into a full log roll.
No one ever expects you to roll. This move if executed properly will fell the largest of giants and I can't tell you how satisfying it is. However, if you don't time it right you just ending up rolling on the ground and looking like an idiot while the giant lumbers past you and smashes into your team mate who has the ball. Then your team mate gets up and gives you a look like, "Way to go, Jerk." or if he's in serious pain, "How could you?" And you hear the hometeam crowd turn violent.
Honestly, playing football was difficult and painful--in my short career I had 2 concussions, stitches 4 times, blood poisoning, knee surgery, tendonitus, jammed vertebrae, and countless cuts and bruises--but it taught me some important things about life. I learned to push myself physically. I learned to be a part of a team--something bigger than myself. I learned to enjoy winning as well as accept that failures happen in life. And I had fun!
My wife has mentioned that if we have a son she doesn't want him to play football. I always agree with her that it is a dangerous sport. But I am secretly hoping that a son of mine will want to play football, so he can push himself and be tough like his dad. More than that I want him to know the joy that I had. Maybe I'll just have to switch his rattle with a toy football.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Smokeless Tobacco
When I was growing up in Gatesville I saw a lot of the men dip snuff or chew tobacco. Usually, you could tell because you would see them spitting and the spit would be brown. Your next indication would be the large bulge in their mouth that looked like a jawbreaker. But that was candy of a different sort--a wad of chewing tobacco. It was a little harder to see if someone was dipping. But there it was, a little pinch of fine, black, pepper-looking stuff just in front of the bottom teeth.
Most people are grossed out when they hear me describe this. When you see it a lot though you think it's normal. So naturally when I was 13 I wanted to try some. At first I stole a little tobacco from a pouch my Dad kept hidden from my Mom. He used to chew tobacco but my Mom hated the fact that he did. Whenever she would find a pouch of tobacco she would throw it away and chide him. Dad would flaunt it in other ways though. He cut the proofs of purchase squares off the back of the packages and sent them in for a Beechnut T-shirt (one of his favorite brands). Then Dad would proudly wear this shirt around my mom who would make a sour face at him.
I wonder if Dad would have let me try chewing tobacco if I just asked? Well, I didn't. I took some and went outside to walk around the neighborhood nonchalantly. It was great! I felt like such a man with some tobacco in my cheek. I knew it could kill me but I didn't care. I was enjoying the tingling, light-headed feeling it gave me, not to mention the bad taste. Soon I was bragging to my friends at school and they all thought I was a bad-boy tobacco user. My buddy Jason, who was also 13, got me a pack of Levi-Garrett chewing tobacco for my birthday. How he acquired it I don't know but it was a brand new package and the kind I liked. (My older brother and his friends chewed tobacco and they used Levi-Garrett so I assumed that was the best brand.)
I continued to dabble in tobacco through my 8th grade year. This meant that I would take a tiny pinch from my hidden package which I was rationing ever so often. Those pinches would make my mouth tingle and salivate, generally a good feeling.
One night, Jimmy, who was one of my brother's older friends, stopped by our house looking for my brother. My brother wasn't home and Jimmy, being restless, invited me along to ride with him while we cruised the Drag (see entry for Mon. Sept 12th for explanation). Jimmy was always restless, it seemed like every week he had a different beat-up old car or a different job. We would ask him, "What happened to your car?"
"Oh, I wrecked it." he would say, or "I just got tired of that piece of junk."
"What happened to your job?"
"Oh, I quit," he would say, "I got tired of their crap and walked out."
Jimmy was incredibly funny too. He didn't cuss often but when he did it was in a way that would have you rolling on the floor with laughter. He would be emotionally elaborating about something and his tone would be building and building and then suddenly, there it was, like a star on a Christmas tree, the most obscene word you ever heard.
I have never met anyone wittier either. If someone jokingly insulted him he would immediately reply with an even better cut-down. If they were foolish enough to up the ante and say something again, Jimmy would reply just as quick, this time getting funnier and more crass. I have seen many cut-down fights started this way with Jimmy and they always ended the same way--Jimmy calmly staring at the other person who stood there red, flustered, and stuttering.
So I was riding with Jimmy who was somewhat of a hero to me down Main St. and he reached down under his seat and grabbed a pack of chewing tobacco and put some in his mouth. Then he offered me some. I wanted to look like a real man so I not only took some but I took a handful and crammed it in my cheek. Jimmy noticed and warned that I might want to be careful. "This stuff is cheap and strong." he said. But I assured him I could handle it.
Five minutes later I started feeling incredibly hot and slightly nauseous. At first I rolled down the car window to get some air. Then I stuck my head out the window to get even more air. I tried to pretend that everything was fine, but Jimmy could tell that I had gotten a little too much. He could probably tell because by this time I was pale, with a slight green tinge. Then there was no more pretending. I spit the tobacco out and my head was incredibly woozy. Suddenly, I didn't like riding in a car anymore. I never realized there was so much motion involved.
"Jimmy, take me home." I moaned with my head between my knees. He was sympathetic and told me if I ate some bread it would help me get better. Walking up to my house my head was floating 5 feet higher and 2 feet behind my body. I stumbled through the door and laid on the floor and watched the room spin. That was the last time I ever chewed tobacco.
Lessons learned: I have done stupid things to impress my friends. Also I shouldn't bite off more than I can chew.
Most people are grossed out when they hear me describe this. When you see it a lot though you think it's normal. So naturally when I was 13 I wanted to try some. At first I stole a little tobacco from a pouch my Dad kept hidden from my Mom. He used to chew tobacco but my Mom hated the fact that he did. Whenever she would find a pouch of tobacco she would throw it away and chide him. Dad would flaunt it in other ways though. He cut the proofs of purchase squares off the back of the packages and sent them in for a Beechnut T-shirt (one of his favorite brands). Then Dad would proudly wear this shirt around my mom who would make a sour face at him.
I wonder if Dad would have let me try chewing tobacco if I just asked? Well, I didn't. I took some and went outside to walk around the neighborhood nonchalantly. It was great! I felt like such a man with some tobacco in my cheek. I knew it could kill me but I didn't care. I was enjoying the tingling, light-headed feeling it gave me, not to mention the bad taste. Soon I was bragging to my friends at school and they all thought I was a bad-boy tobacco user. My buddy Jason, who was also 13, got me a pack of Levi-Garrett chewing tobacco for my birthday. How he acquired it I don't know but it was a brand new package and the kind I liked. (My older brother and his friends chewed tobacco and they used Levi-Garrett so I assumed that was the best brand.)
I continued to dabble in tobacco through my 8th grade year. This meant that I would take a tiny pinch from my hidden package which I was rationing ever so often. Those pinches would make my mouth tingle and salivate, generally a good feeling.
One night, Jimmy, who was one of my brother's older friends, stopped by our house looking for my brother. My brother wasn't home and Jimmy, being restless, invited me along to ride with him while we cruised the Drag (see entry for Mon. Sept 12th for explanation). Jimmy was always restless, it seemed like every week he had a different beat-up old car or a different job. We would ask him, "What happened to your car?"
"Oh, I wrecked it." he would say, or "I just got tired of that piece of junk."
"What happened to your job?"
"Oh, I quit," he would say, "I got tired of their crap and walked out."
Jimmy was incredibly funny too. He didn't cuss often but when he did it was in a way that would have you rolling on the floor with laughter. He would be emotionally elaborating about something and his tone would be building and building and then suddenly, there it was, like a star on a Christmas tree, the most obscene word you ever heard.
I have never met anyone wittier either. If someone jokingly insulted him he would immediately reply with an even better cut-down. If they were foolish enough to up the ante and say something again, Jimmy would reply just as quick, this time getting funnier and more crass. I have seen many cut-down fights started this way with Jimmy and they always ended the same way--Jimmy calmly staring at the other person who stood there red, flustered, and stuttering.
So I was riding with Jimmy who was somewhat of a hero to me down Main St. and he reached down under his seat and grabbed a pack of chewing tobacco and put some in his mouth. Then he offered me some. I wanted to look like a real man so I not only took some but I took a handful and crammed it in my cheek. Jimmy noticed and warned that I might want to be careful. "This stuff is cheap and strong." he said. But I assured him I could handle it.
Five minutes later I started feeling incredibly hot and slightly nauseous. At first I rolled down the car window to get some air. Then I stuck my head out the window to get even more air. I tried to pretend that everything was fine, but Jimmy could tell that I had gotten a little too much. He could probably tell because by this time I was pale, with a slight green tinge. Then there was no more pretending. I spit the tobacco out and my head was incredibly woozy. Suddenly, I didn't like riding in a car anymore. I never realized there was so much motion involved.
"Jimmy, take me home." I moaned with my head between my knees. He was sympathetic and told me if I ate some bread it would help me get better. Walking up to my house my head was floating 5 feet higher and 2 feet behind my body. I stumbled through the door and laid on the floor and watched the room spin. That was the last time I ever chewed tobacco.
Lessons learned: I have done stupid things to impress my friends. Also I shouldn't bite off more than I can chew.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Fun with throwing things
Although you wouldn't realize it by looking at me now, I can throw things pretty hard and accurate. Like any other boy growing up I liked to chunk rocks, sticks, dirt clods, eggs, balls, or anything else I felt like throwing. But I threw better than most boys. I know this because I would play catch with them and some of them would look like they were using their wrong hand. I would say, "Why are you throwing left-handed?" and the other boy would say, "Because I AM left-handed."
"Are you sure?" I would say, because it looked so clumsy and awkward. I wasn't cruel enough to say, "you throw like a girl" but usually one of the other guys said it. Most of these awkward-throwers didn't have a Dad to play catch with them so I cut them some slack in that category. I didn't have a Dad to play catch with me either. I had a Dad but he just usually didn't play catch with me--my Mom did.
My Mom is by far the most athletic person in our family. She was a Jr. High girls' coach for 30 years and she's tough as nails. At the age of 57 she is still playing in the most competitive league of summer softball for our hometown--something she has done since I was 2. In Highschool my mom lettered in 5 sports (basketball, volleyball, softball, track, tennis) all 4 years. Naturally, when she got to college she played some sports there too, like basketball. So my Mom and I would be throwing a baseball out in the yard and she would yell at me, "Throw it harder, you're not gonna hurt me." and then she would zing the ball back to me with a perfect overhand throw. I learned from the best.
So today, I thought I would share a few anecdotes of me throwing different things. Here we go:
DIRT CLODS/BOTTLES
One of the summers when I was hanging out at the baseball fields while my mom was playing softball, me and some other kids were playing on some dirt mounds by the fields. There were some really good clods there so we started launching them at each other and ducking behind the mounds.
I was doing pretty good until a rock hit me in the forehead and I started bleeding. The other boy got tired of throwing dirt and he threw a rock instead. I was in a lot of pain but I was embarrassed to have to walk up to my mom and tell her I was hurt. Some eyewitnesses told her we were throwing rocks. "DIRT!" I protested, but still I got in trouble.
Then there was another time when some kids were throwing glass bottles in an old equipment closet at the baseball fields. It looked fun! I grabbed a bottle and threw it and watched it shatter. No sooner had I done it, than I noticed my Mom charging out of the dugout straight for me. She had eyes in the back of her head. I quickly protested that the other kids were doing it as well. "I'm not their mother.", she said, and quickly administered justice.
EGGS
When I was in highschool I liked to sneak eggs out of the fridge and go out into the street in front of my house and throw them as high as I possibly could and watch them SPLAT! Or sometimes I would mix it up and throw them as far as I could. Once, when I was doing this, a pair of Mormon missionaries were on bikes at the end of the street. Without thinking I threw an egg towards them that flew impossibly far and landed just behind their back tires. Lord, forgive me, I now know that people are only won to You through Your love and truth, not eggs.
COW PATTIES
My best friend, my brother, and I were walking through a field by my friend's house. It was obvious that cows had been there before because there was a lot of dried cow patties. For those of you who don't know, when cow poop dries it looks something like a greenish-brown, flattened cinnamon roll. They also make good frisbees. So one of us grabbed the edge of one off the ground and quickly flicked it at the other. "Eww, you've got cow crap on you now!" Soon it was an all out war and all three of us were hurling cow patties as fast as we could at each other.
Then in a scene that is all too familiar, my friend grabbed a huge rock and threw it at me. It landed on my ankle and I was instantly crippled. I can't repeat what I yelled at him but it was the dirtiest words I could think of. He and my brother just laughed and I eventually could walk again.
What have I learned? When life throws crap at you, there are worst things you could be hit with.
"Are you sure?" I would say, because it looked so clumsy and awkward. I wasn't cruel enough to say, "you throw like a girl" but usually one of the other guys said it. Most of these awkward-throwers didn't have a Dad to play catch with them so I cut them some slack in that category. I didn't have a Dad to play catch with me either. I had a Dad but he just usually didn't play catch with me--my Mom did.
My Mom is by far the most athletic person in our family. She was a Jr. High girls' coach for 30 years and she's tough as nails. At the age of 57 she is still playing in the most competitive league of summer softball for our hometown--something she has done since I was 2. In Highschool my mom lettered in 5 sports (basketball, volleyball, softball, track, tennis) all 4 years. Naturally, when she got to college she played some sports there too, like basketball. So my Mom and I would be throwing a baseball out in the yard and she would yell at me, "Throw it harder, you're not gonna hurt me." and then she would zing the ball back to me with a perfect overhand throw. I learned from the best.
So today, I thought I would share a few anecdotes of me throwing different things. Here we go:
DIRT CLODS/BOTTLES
One of the summers when I was hanging out at the baseball fields while my mom was playing softball, me and some other kids were playing on some dirt mounds by the fields. There were some really good clods there so we started launching them at each other and ducking behind the mounds.
I was doing pretty good until a rock hit me in the forehead and I started bleeding. The other boy got tired of throwing dirt and he threw a rock instead. I was in a lot of pain but I was embarrassed to have to walk up to my mom and tell her I was hurt. Some eyewitnesses told her we were throwing rocks. "DIRT!" I protested, but still I got in trouble.
Then there was another time when some kids were throwing glass bottles in an old equipment closet at the baseball fields. It looked fun! I grabbed a bottle and threw it and watched it shatter. No sooner had I done it, than I noticed my Mom charging out of the dugout straight for me. She had eyes in the back of her head. I quickly protested that the other kids were doing it as well. "I'm not their mother.", she said, and quickly administered justice.
EGGS
When I was in highschool I liked to sneak eggs out of the fridge and go out into the street in front of my house and throw them as high as I possibly could and watch them SPLAT! Or sometimes I would mix it up and throw them as far as I could. Once, when I was doing this, a pair of Mormon missionaries were on bikes at the end of the street. Without thinking I threw an egg towards them that flew impossibly far and landed just behind their back tires. Lord, forgive me, I now know that people are only won to You through Your love and truth, not eggs.
COW PATTIES
My best friend, my brother, and I were walking through a field by my friend's house. It was obvious that cows had been there before because there was a lot of dried cow patties. For those of you who don't know, when cow poop dries it looks something like a greenish-brown, flattened cinnamon roll. They also make good frisbees. So one of us grabbed the edge of one off the ground and quickly flicked it at the other. "Eww, you've got cow crap on you now!" Soon it was an all out war and all three of us were hurling cow patties as fast as we could at each other.
Then in a scene that is all too familiar, my friend grabbed a huge rock and threw it at me. It landed on my ankle and I was instantly crippled. I can't repeat what I yelled at him but it was the dirtiest words I could think of. He and my brother just laughed and I eventually could walk again.
What have I learned? When life throws crap at you, there are worst things you could be hit with.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Barry vs. the Tree
Well, I didn't post anything on Saturday or Sunday because 1) it was the weekend and 2) I travelled to my hometown of Gatesville where internet is still a new and mysterious thing. After trying to connect to the Web on my parent's computer (Windows Me, Pentium III, AOL, 56K modem) I almost gave up after 10 minutes and still not being connected. Finally, I connected and went to a website, clicked a link and promptly got a blue screen of death.
As much as I talk about Gatesville I don't go there much. Since getting married 4 years ago the pace of life has really sped up and months pass before I realize I haven't seen my parents in a while. Let's face it, I started a new family. In the frontier days of America, some young man would marry a woman and they would travel west to the prairie or mountains or desert and that's the last they ever saw of their family. Marriage is still an adventure. Have you ever tried to pack up a vehicle with a ton of baby stuff and a few bags of your own for a one-night stay?
Not much had changed in Gatesville since I lived there 8 years ago, although the town is abuzz because there is a Super Wal-Mart now. I went to it to pick up a few items while I was there and it was really nice for a Wal-Mart.
My parents' home still looks the same--so many memories. I looked up at the tree in the front yard and remembered how much I loved to climb it. It's a pretty big tree--an ashleaf maple I think. I used to climb up the tree and just hang out and watch people walk by or occasionally see some truck go down the road. I was practically invisible because no one ever looks up. I spent many enjoyable hours in the tree but it wasn't always good to me.
One day I got a great idea. I took an old belt and climbed up as high as I could in the tree. When I could get no higher I strapped myself to the underside of a branch with the belt. Then I let go with my arms and legs. It worked! I hung there triumpantly and began to flail my arms and legs freely. It was exhilarating to hang high up and suspended in the air. Suddenly, the old belt broke at the worn-out notch. Slap slap slap slap slap... THUD! The slaps were branches hitting me in the back on the way down followed by a brief pause and then, "THUD", the ground.
I laid there for a long time looking up at the tree which had betrayed me. Or was it the belt? Or had it just been a stupid idea? I was in so much pain I couldn't even groan. 15 minutes passed by. Finally, I got up and hoped my kidneys were still intact. Luckily, the branches did sort of break my fall. All told my trip down was probably about 20-30 feet.
Believe it or not, I kind of miss adventures like this. Nowadays, the only way I could get hurt is by carpal tunnel syndrome or wrecking my car during my commute to work. This is not as exciting as falling out of a tree. However, I did mention earlier that marriage is an adventure and recently I added parenthood to that too. Perhaps, many more interesting stories will come about. The years will tell.
As much as I talk about Gatesville I don't go there much. Since getting married 4 years ago the pace of life has really sped up and months pass before I realize I haven't seen my parents in a while. Let's face it, I started a new family. In the frontier days of America, some young man would marry a woman and they would travel west to the prairie or mountains or desert and that's the last they ever saw of their family. Marriage is still an adventure. Have you ever tried to pack up a vehicle with a ton of baby stuff and a few bags of your own for a one-night stay?
Not much had changed in Gatesville since I lived there 8 years ago, although the town is abuzz because there is a Super Wal-Mart now. I went to it to pick up a few items while I was there and it was really nice for a Wal-Mart.
My parents' home still looks the same--so many memories. I looked up at the tree in the front yard and remembered how much I loved to climb it. It's a pretty big tree--an ashleaf maple I think. I used to climb up the tree and just hang out and watch people walk by or occasionally see some truck go down the road. I was practically invisible because no one ever looks up. I spent many enjoyable hours in the tree but it wasn't always good to me.
One day I got a great idea. I took an old belt and climbed up as high as I could in the tree. When I could get no higher I strapped myself to the underside of a branch with the belt. Then I let go with my arms and legs. It worked! I hung there triumpantly and began to flail my arms and legs freely. It was exhilarating to hang high up and suspended in the air. Suddenly, the old belt broke at the worn-out notch. Slap slap slap slap slap... THUD! The slaps were branches hitting me in the back on the way down followed by a brief pause and then, "THUD", the ground.
I laid there for a long time looking up at the tree which had betrayed me. Or was it the belt? Or had it just been a stupid idea? I was in so much pain I couldn't even groan. 15 minutes passed by. Finally, I got up and hoped my kidneys were still intact. Luckily, the branches did sort of break my fall. All told my trip down was probably about 20-30 feet.
Believe it or not, I kind of miss adventures like this. Nowadays, the only way I could get hurt is by carpal tunnel syndrome or wrecking my car during my commute to work. This is not as exciting as falling out of a tree. However, I did mention earlier that marriage is an adventure and recently I added parenthood to that too. Perhaps, many more interesting stories will come about. The years will tell.
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